I feel... Nothing.

I've shown myself... And was shot down. Not just by him, but by my friends. They couldn't take it, this part of me. If only they knew... All they had to do. Was look past the disaster. To see me. To look at me, and say: "I don't believe that's really you. I don't believe that's you. I see that you're fighting. But why are you fighting? Why are you struggling? I see you. You don't need help. You don't need to be fixed. You need to be accepted now. Right now. You need someone to look at you and say, I see you... I accept you. I know that's not you. You're just scared. I'm not scared. Because I know... That you are someone worth knowing. Someone worth loving.

I am not afraid you'll hurt me. Because I know you'll take it away. I know you're like a cornered animal, lashing out. I know you're afraid. But I will be gentle with you. I'll take the scratches. I'll take the pain I'll get from your hisses and attacks. Because I know you're not doing it to hurt me. I know you're doing it to protect yourself. I know you're scared."

Drifting

I forgot time. I forgot endlessness. I am a winged creature of high noon. Can no one see me? Can no one understand? Can no one try? No one will. No one can. No one will try. I fly over the city, crying down on beings running away from the heat, the blaze, running away from themselves and others. They touch their face and look up to the sky, wondering if someone spit on them, because it can't be drizzling on such an excruciatingly hot day.

My wings snap, and I fall the ground so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that the earth shook for a full minute, and everyone panicked. With my ears I heard screams, the whir of machinery as geologists scoured their instruments for levels, quirks, resonances and what-nots. CNN reporters and anchors rush to the air, hoping to say more than BBC about the sudden earthquake that rocked the nation. And in awhile they'll notice something peculiar. This so-called quake rocked the world.

It was a phenomena unlike any other, apparently. They've lost so much knowledge of the ancient past that not even old stories and poems can bring light to the fact that it wasn't an earthquake, just merely a sun god that fell to the earth. Nevertheless I watched with shrill anticipation as they ran around for a rational explanation, while most started calling to their own gods. Tsch. None for me, even now.

I grow bored of their drama and decide to sleep deep in the heavens. When I awoke, the earth is gone, and some beings have fled. I blink my eyes as I followed a few around the solar system, noting how much they've changed, how little they've evolved in the mind, and how great their hearts are, even now. Ah. The earth being's hearts. So capable of destruction and mayhem, love and understanding. I close my eyes, and when I wake up, they're not even there anymore.

In the twisting rubble of what used to be Jupiter and some of Saturn, I drifted. Feeling uniquely alone and contemplative at my isolation. It is lucky isn't it, that I am a god. I don't need hugs or embraces, or even conversation. And even with my omnipotence, I bore myself...

Hopelessness

I have lost my urge to write. I have lost my urge to live. I have lost my urge to function. I have lost myself. How did I manage to do this? How did I manage to lose everything I ever hoped for, when I didn't even have it in the first place? How do you expect me to go on with unbearable sadness and relentless hopelessness, bearing down on my shoulders?

I now know why people want to die.

I don't want to die. I never wanted to, until I realized I had no choice. I had nothing. I was worth nothing. No one could help me. The only merciful thing I could do for myself, is die. I have convinced myself so foolishly that this life is worth living. I thought I could do it, I thought I could be happy. Why did I let this go on for too long? Why did I have to set myself up for more pain, more disaster? Disaster. I am a disaster. My life is a disaster. No one will care if I die. I am a worthless human being. There is nothing left for me in this world. The world has nothing left to offer me.

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I lie awake, I can't believe how true it is for me
Now that I know you, now that I realize that I can feel this way.
All those love songs, they didn't lie. I now know
how it is to want you so badly, it hurts.

Morning comes without a clash of cymbals and drums.
Dawn breaks quietly, as still as my heart is when I think
Of you and how you make me feel. Am I selfish?
I glory at power of waves and storms, the earth
Is rising, deep and powerful.

You take over all of me.